How to Poop Politely at Work, on Planes, and at a Guy's Place

Your ultimate guide to number two etiquette.

Going number two outside of the comfort of your own home shouldn’t be a big deal: do your business, flush, wash up, done. But that leaves so many awkward or embarrassing issues unaddressed. How do you handle loud noises during a bowel movement in a cramped office rest room? What if you’ve made a stank in an airport lavatory, and the line of passengers waiting will forever know it was you? And what should you do if you’re at a new guy’s place and you feel something brewing? We consulted etiquette expert Patricia Rossi, author of Everyday Etiquette, on the right way to navigate tricky poop situations.

In the Office Rest Room

Space yourself out. Pick a stall as far away as possible from any that are already occupied, so you and other poopers can maintain a little privacy. “The more space you have between you and other toilet goers, the less detectable any sounds or smells will be,” says Rossi.

Put a layer of toilet paper on the water surface. The toilet paper muffles the noise poop makes when it hits the water and creates less of a splash.

Do a courtesy flush while you go...and another after. Besides masking any embarrassing sounds, flushing as soon as the poop plops prevents the odor from reeking up the entire bathroom.

Don’t carry on a conversation. If you recognize your coworker’s shoes two stalls down, resist the urge to chat—this isn’t the time to discuss tomorrow’s meeting. And if a colleague tries to start a convo with you on the loo, say “let’s talk later” and leave it at that.

Check to make sure the bowl is empty before exiting. “Don’t be that rude person who leaves a deposit behind for the next user to have to flush,” says Rossi. Oh, and if you’ve left skid marks, do a few flushes to get rid of them, or layer on some toilet paper to mask them so the next person isn’t grossed out.

Leave your phone at your desk or in your purse. “Texting or talking on it in the stall is unhygienic, and if coworkers see you use it, it will damage your work rep,” says Rossi.

In an Airplane Bathroom

Do your business as fast as possible. The line for the lavatory on a plane can get long, and passengers have frayed nerves already. No one wants to stand and wait while you dream of your upcoming vacation while sitting on the throne.

Flush as often as needed. Airplane toilets have that supersonic vacuum thing going on, which gets rid of things fast, but you don’t want to leave a disgusting surprise behind for the next person, says Rossi.

After washing, clean up after yourself. Make sure toilet paper or the seat cover doesn’t litter the ground, and use a paper towel to get rid of any water on the sink counter, says Rossi. Keeping it clean makes the cramped, unpleasant loo a little better for everyone forced to use it.

Close the lid once you’re ready to exit. It’s an extra measure of etiquette and just looks nicer for the next person.

Make sure you didn’t use the last toilet paper roll. If you did, tell a flight attendant, or at least warn the next person about to go.

At a Date’s Place

Run the cold faucet. “The sound of running water is loud enough to block any sounds your guy might hear,” says Rossi. Plus, the gentle swoosh will relax you so you don’t get poop stage fright. Running coldwater is better than hot because heat produces steam, and that can trap odors.

Open a window or turn on the overhead fan. You’ll diffuse a stinky poop faster, and it’s safer than lighting a match, which can set off a smoke alarm.

Do a courtesy flush...or three. Whatever it takes to clear the evidence and take the stank out of things.

Sprtiz air freshener. If his bathroom doesn’t have any, look around for anything in an aerosol can—even deodorant—and give the bathroom a few spritzes.

Make light of the situation. As anyone who has ever shared a bathroom with a dude knows, guys don’t have the anxiety about going number two that so many women experience. So if you have to ‘fess up that you’ve fouled his toilet, do it with subtle humor. “Say something like, ‘I’d wait an hour before going in there if I were you,’ smile, and make it seem like it’s no big deal,” suggests Rossi. “Chances are, it won’t be.”